effort

The whole of last week, i was so sure it was right.
Yes he's right.

N then again....
today i wonder....
Jus wat the hell is wrong.

The right one won't have to be so troublesome right?
Wrong?
All good things must put in mighty lotsa effort?

oh well.

Private Space.

4 years back when i started strange-n-beautiful.blogspot i took it as my private space to rant...
That eventually got me into trouble with work.

My supervisor jus said... "well, jus come out for coffee with yr frenz n rant in real time instead. when u put certain things in black n white, it can get u into trouble sometimes...."

Good advice. Taken, though grudgingly...

I guess i kinda expect the ppl i confide in to keep things to themselves as well anyway.
But i overlooked the fact tt words actually get round.

i might not take criticism the right way. initially.
Or give u a very correct attitude when let in on my worst flaws...

But i reflect upon them when i get a quiet moment or when i feel off side.

A very good friend told me tt its human nature to run to someone to talk to when clueless on wat to do, but y do i feel so weird right now?
He tells me tt its normal for ppl to filter information, so as not to upset others.
Tt when two countries r at war, they dun let each other in on their private ammo.
But i have no private ammo.
Everything in my head is told to YOU. n only you.
So how could you.

I suddenly feel like i have no such private space anymore.
Or a person i can trust to know me, listen to me, understand me, feel me n be honest w me.
Not one.

You probably feel that i'm unreasonable, crazy, demanding n just impossible.
I feel that too.
Then just tell me that.
Dun go telling others without telling me u have told them. Or even giving me a chance to tell my side of the story.

Despite the good diplomatic advice given to me, i just feel.....................
WEIRD.

like pple going behind my back.

I feel so stupid now letting u into every single thought, opinion, view in my head, bout you, me, us, everything.

N i'm not hearing yours from you. Yet u let other pple hear it exclusively.

I'm hurt.

Stomach problems

Thou shalt not sleep on a full stomach.

Thou shalt not wait til too bloody damn hungry then eat.

Thou shalt avoid raw foods of all kind.

Thou shall stay away from shell fish of most kinds.

Thou shalt always carry gastric reflux meds, gastroentritis meds with thyself at all times.

Thou shalt not overstuff one's own stomach.

Thou shalt shun caffeine, dairy stuff which aggravates bloating n gastric reflux reactions. (think alcohol okie as long as with mixer huh? *guffaws*)

Thou shalt learn to drink hot drinks (like old man bf) instead of being an ice coke ice chocolate ice anything loving maniac.

Thou shalt search for a tummy transplant procedure.

Thou shalt not smoke so much, else i foresee myself contracting stomach cancer like Gramps did.

I hate my stomach.
*buRrrP Burrp BUUUuuuUUuuRP*

Sounds like a bullfrog in the house.
*BroUpor burp*

;_(

^&*$%@%^%&^**%

Crystal Ball?

After a packet of instant noodles to curb late nite/morning hunger(i dun usually have lunch or food til 8pm next day either)...
I think MSG Messes Some Gray matter....

of cos the self destructive *click click click* thru Facebook also brought about these thoughts la..

But i really wish i have the power to look into my own future...

Questions i wonder bout all the time:

- Will i end up with the/a guy who loves me many many til forever n end of time?

- They always say "u jus know" when asked how they know she/he is the right one.
If i dun "jus know" means he's not the One? pfft*

- Will we still have fun, giggle, tickle n laugh forever n ever til the end of time?

- Wat will my wedding album look like? Can fit into my uniform by then still?

- Will i have fun on my wedding day?

- Will i ever get married/put on a flowy white gown of my dreams????

Meow who's 2 years my junior today said tt the guy she's with currently is stable, heading towards a PhD n marry-worthy.
Cos at 26 must think of marriage n settling down liao...

N i'm like............... *cue sounds of crickets chirping n my 3 drops of sweat dripping down my forehead pls* >.<"

I ain't worried or gotten any worries... but im just damn SUPER bloody curious lar.

Cos i rather not get married:
- if i ain't gonna have any fun on my wedding day
- if we ain't gonna laugh n giggle n tickle together forever n ever til the end of time
- if my gown is lousy n not SATC worthy.
- if my album turn out cheesy shit
- if he dun love me many many every day every second
- n if he ain't someone whom i will love many many every second every day.

hmmm
'you jus know you jus know you jus know........"

i know lei.... but there r so many buts n ifs. so like that how ah????

Wat if in every rship u think the "you just know" feeling is there n right but actually not right?
So wat is the real "you just know" feeling thang????

its starting to feel like when yr parents refuse to talk to u bout certain things like eg. sex n they say u will just know wat it means when u r an adult.

i guess this "you just know" feeling will only materialise after one gets married then?

okie im nonsense.
sleeeeppppyyy le... finally....
Redbull wearing off... thank goodness.

Night!
Maybe my dreams will give me a peek into my future in awhile.

I'm a footloose peacock.

U think i might just be born one?

*wry smile*

i amazed myself tonight cos i rediscovered my ability to draw circles on the dance floor still tonight...
;D
N not intoxicated at all!

VON!!! they played THAT song we were waiting for Friday night!!

N me n my 28 yr old ass drew prettier circles than any 20 yr old ass in sight.
so did Meow's 25 yr old ass.
N i predict G's ass can draw flowers n Von's can draw portraits anytime once they get going.

I also start seeing a blur of lines when it comes to music.
RnB mixing with cheese pop n trance.
Pop n electro....

hmmm? >.<

But tonight was to celebrate me shedding my stubborn kgs. total of 1.4! did u hear?!
n to keep myself going... for more worK Work wOrk incoming.

Also to remind myself tt growing old n saggy is part n parcel of life.
Met 2 of my college school boys so far n they have both like quadrupled in size.
*giggle*
DC remember tt Baggio guy from Tview not?
aiyoh. such ancient memories la.

So be it.
I will strut and shake my saggy booty cos it helps me shed my dark thoughts.
*preen*

Complaints.

CORRECTION.

I have been complaining of boring n static life or work eat sleep work date eat sleep WORK WORK WORK...

NOT ONLY SINCE MAY BUT fUVKiNG MARCH.


HOW THE HELL DID I LET MYSELF GO FOR SO LONG.

FORGOT BOUT MYSELF, MY NEEDS, OVER HIS??????

I HATE MYSELF FOR THIS. HATE HATE HATE.

....................................................................................................

Teach me how to make up for lost time, to look ahead n not behind.
To forgive n forget n move on to a better future.
To let go of this pointless anger n upset.
How??
When I'm the one I'm angry with, not you.
N I keep feeling angry all day, everyday, since dunno when.
Seems like when the volcano has blown up, the whole landscape has n will be changed.

Round round....

It feels like I'm jus running round n round in circles....

Round n round, round n round...

Run there, kena block, run back...
Run the other way, not happy with where i'm going, run backwards...

so round n round, back n forth.
Still not happy.

I thought i was happy.
hmmm.. actually i thought I am happier than i used to be?!

Maybe i'm always thinking too much ?

But there is this big blockade damming all the happiness up on the other side.
That, i can actually see, you see.

I wonder what can bring down the dam.

In the meantime,
I just keep running...

Round n round, up n down....
Searching for contentment.
Looking for connection.
Hoping that the rays of sunshine light up my dull, damp, worn down heart....

Back to Mine...

i read my old blog today..
n i cried...

i cried big time cos of so many things....
mainly

probably cos i contradicted myself n let myself go n let everything go the way i dun want it to

im sorry to myself

n i cried somemore.

Conflict of Interests...

i began scrolling thru this lousy blog of mine.. for the first time....(compared to Incredulously Rara World of Peculiar Flygirl lar)..
n i realised i've been complaining bout being bored n static since MAY. fucking MAY.

anyway...
there seems to b a conflict of interest as i try to log onto both different accts on Blogger on different tabs...
this window from intothesouth.com keeps asking me for authentication???!?! Virus? Bug?
simi intothesouth!??!?! argh


i miss my old blog... (yes its still there, jus locked n private n under a different url...;)
i miss my old life.
n i miss my old non-saggy face!!!!!

VON!! CO!! have u looked at our pics jus 8 months ago?!??!
(my last post on the old blog was nic's bday at tt restaurant-wats-tt-name n linda's bday lor! ;D)
our face the skin so taut, no saggy chins lar!!

Time to save up not only for babies but for radio frequency/laser treatments...
hohoho~
;D
........................................................................

He leaves me at home BECAUSE i'm fat, saggy, old n ugly...

OR

I become fat, saggy, old n ugly BECAUSE he leaves me at home?

Cast yr votes..

there will b conflicts of interests everywhere we go n in everything tt we do.

SIGHhhhhh~
........................................................

Something which PISSED me off big time during work today.

Some cheebye threw tissue in my face cos some coke mist accidentally sprayed in his direction when i popped open a Coke can.

I work hard for my money n i get abused.
By both men, women, ppl of all races n religion, ages, languages, whether i'm wrong or right.

i wonder if this is my life. or whether this is wat i deserve.
i clear clogged toilet basins, wipe dry toilet floors n counter tops.
Clear dirty cups n vomitus.
Help mommies throw away shit filled diapers.

n i still get abused.

This post will b reminder for me when i don't have the courage to leave come 1st quarter 2010.
SIGH~

Financial damages.

I bought new bags in Milan LAST month (2 for the price of 1!!!) n im still suffering from credit card payment damages n nil savings.
*scowl*

This is bloody annoying.

U buy one big item n suffer for 2 months after.

Money do have wings. Flying off to freedom faster than u can catch it.

Explains y i haven't upgrade my mobile phone either.

Note to friends who read this......
since the icomm roaming sms service shut down, n my phone has no cut n paste function to use the m1 roaming sms service effectively, (gotta type in message i 60 secs or some crap like dat know!!) i won't be replying smses while abroad one.

unless i have internet access.... n will use internet sms.

my phone bill came n i like spent 50 bucks on a puny number of smses lor.
90¢ each from India. 60¢ each from all other locations.
Argh!

Going back to London tomorrow.
Damn scared will fall sick again one.... *brrrr*

What Women Want...

For a split second, i felt really tender while looking at his side view..
so i put my hand on his left cheek n stroked it n told him teasingly...
"u know, i dun think u will ever find another gf who loves u as much as me lor"

And then his brash , very matter-of-fact reply...
"Yar n u won't find another man who can tahan yr ways like i do one also lor."

-.-

Jus like tt...
All the imaginary pink heart bubbles emitting from my erogenous zones like the base of my neck n the back of my ears went 'Pop pop pop' n suddenly the tender moment was killed jus like dat.

sigh......

would it hurt to jus hug me back n say something sweet n lame like "yes i know u love me the most. n i will never wanna give u up cos i will die without yr love...." or blah blah blah...
something more Romeo & Juliet like?
anyway he does have the book...

oh well...

SpeedBoy take note too...
if u add anymore uncalled for MCP-ish remarks to DancingGirl u might just find no one sweetly buttering yr bread at the dinner table n served to u like she serves u all other food as well first! *giggles*


After all these Romancing Singapore things.., i still find the boys/men in this country somehow extremely unromantic.

Here is an anecdote Von shared with me over Facebook, something she experienced on a nite out...

I was at Ja**’s friend, S*r*h’s bday party at her bf, Batt’s house, who stay at this penthouse at Balmoral, yes, it’s one of the most expensive condo in Singapore!
Batt rather cute though, being a 30s-something-year-old Englishman!
The penthouse got an alfresco area, with a relaxing lover swing seats, outdoor Jacuzzi, 2 sun-beds, all came with the penthouse! The internal was incredible as well, can say it will be a dreamhouse!
When I reached about 10ish, she was already drunk, and crying. I asked ja**hat happen? She told me that she’s always very emo after she drunk. Then I saw Batt console her, and put her to sleep, after that, he was so hospitable, asking me what I want for drink, and saying he’s our man-servant of the night. Throughout the night he was like serving us drinks, (pouring us the mixer just like a bartender) and cooking us food (really good pizza and quesadilla!!)
After an hr plus, s*r*h sober up and join us in the Jacuzzi, complaining that the water is freezing, Batt actually took the effort to boil the water using kettle, keeping pouring into the Jacuzzi pool (for about dun-know how many times)and ensure the temperature is okie.
After that when we are all almost drunk, he quietly cleaning up the kitchen..really cleaning up.
I just wonder, isz cos he’s an angmo or just him?
He can put up with the drunk gf when he’s there with her when she crying about dunno what, maybe sum other reason when she shd be happy with him
He can put up with all her frds asking for drinks food drinks and more drinks, as you know, ja** practically treat him as a servant, asking him to keep going to kitchen to top up drinks.
He keeps cooking and whenever is done, the food is gone and he have to cook again?
He keeps boiling the water just to keep the rest warm in the Jacuzzi?
He can sleep with us dancing in the hall till 5am?
We then had a conclusion, it’s LOVE.

Lesson learnt : knowing who to invite to your house party!
LOL, im just kidding, u know what I mean, where to find such man? I hate her…..:p"


I also hate this s*r*h girl.
can something SOUND so perfect?
Maybe the dude n her have v lousy sex... or something to tt extent. :D
But i dun believe tt a man can b this good. maybe the next day he gives her hell for inviting such slave driver frenz to his place. LOL*
jus tt he give his gf face in front of her frenz mah??? ;p

i got drunk once n very intoxicated another time n freaked out my very own bf who is not very accepting of the emo drunk type.
Which unfortunately i m.
Resulting in? >> one very emotionally repressed girl.

Nights out became pretty stressful biz of various things n they have recently fizzled out to no nights out together.

This is not good at all.

I've always been a huge believer of the "couples who play together stay together" adage.
How else can couples have fun together with frenz around them?

i guess women generally like their men to give them attention not only in private, but in front of other pple as well.

if ALL time spent together is private...as in one on one, n the ad hoc tender moments r spoiled by a bad sense of humour or jus insensitivity...
pretty much there is no more fun left for us in the relationship.

cannot show off to others "see my bf love me so much, keep hugging me"
imaginary pink bubble hearts forever popped unceremoniously when we say nice things to men hoping to hear something nice back.

life gets pretty boring after awhile.

ah well. im finally going out to party tonight. like freakin' finally.
so looking forward to it like a breath of fresh air.

...

why