Days in summer~

"He Likes me, i know he likes me. Of course i flatter him dreadfully. I find a strange pleasure in saying things to him that i know i shall be sorry for having said. As a rule, he is charming to me, and we sit in the studio and talk of a thousand things. Now and then, however, he is painfully thoughtless, and seems to take a real delight in giving me pain. Then i feel, that i have given away my whole soul to some one who treats it as if it were a flower to put in his coat, a bit of decoration to charm his vanity, an ornament for a summer's day."

"Days in summer, are apt to linger. Perhaps you will tire sooner than he will. It is a sad thing to think of, but there is no doubt that Genius lasts longer than Beauty. That accounts for the fact that we all take such pains to over-educate ourselves. In the wild struggle for existence, we want to have something that endures, and so we fill our minds with rubbish and facts, in the silly hope of keeping our place. The thoroughly well informed man - that is the modern ideal. And the mind of the thoroughly well-informed man is a dreadful thing. It is like a bric-a-brac shop, all monsters and dust, with everything priced above its proper value. I think u will tire first, all the same. Some day you will look at your friend, and he will seem to you to be a little out of drawing, or you won't like his tone of colour, or something. You will bitterly reproach him in yr own heart, and seriously think that he has behaved very badly to you. The next time he calls, you will be perfectly cold and indifferent. It will be a great pity, for it will alter you. What you have told me is quite a romance, a romance of art one might call it, and the worst of having a romance of any kind is that it leaves one so unromantic."

- The Picture of Dorian Gray-  Oscar Wilde.

Spoke to my heart.

I understand what im doing now....

Guess only the fast forward of time will truly be the end of my summer?

Rise & Fall

Sometimes i manage to cheat my mind into thinking all is good...

n then outta the blue,

That empty lonely sensation in the tummy strikes.

Esp during moments when i'm on my own... most of the time on public transport.

And then i stop for a cigarette.

And i start to realise tt the cig has stopped giving me the kinda comfort tt used to satiate my neediness.

And i start to wonder what would make it good.

Well overall im in better shape than i was 2 weeks ago. ;]

Most of the times my puppy makes me happy. The only thing tt puts a grin on my face n make me chuckle out loud.

Sometimes, i do wonder if having him in my life brings about much more restrictions...

Then... I look at him looking at me with those loving eyes, i feel guilty ever having those thoughts!

It's already August of 2010.

Somehow i keep feeling like im in February. Why?

Not like i had a very enjoyable birthday rite? duh.

I'm feeling kinda weird today.

Took the initiative to clip down this silky's coat cos i was damn annoyed tt shit sticks to his butt hair all the time n stinks up my area.

And also cos im damn annoyed tt it's a boarding dog n well outta my scope of job to bother to even bathe him unless the customer is paying.

Somehow, the shop pple say tt it belongs to a VIP customer n they aren't gonna bill him.

Fuck-a-na-den.

Then dun ask me to bathe him!

Our agreement was only puppies for free n grooming.

But i swallowed n did as told. After all, i was getting $5 ph rite?

Guess my indignance got a hold of me n i kinda did it to save myself the trouble. 

Well, i would like to blame it on lack of communication as well.

Keep asking me to bathe the smelly dog for free n never tell me when going back.

You think bathing very easy ah!!!??!? 

The blowdrying process very tiring one lei!

N the knn Auntie keep asking me to bathe her fucking puppies on weekends so they look nice n fluffy "so can sell" 

Knn i trying to save my energy for my real customers whom i get money from can!?!??!?!

So anyway back to story. turned out the VIP owner came to collect his dog today.

N turned out the top coat which i clipped off slightly was pain stakingly grown.

Wahahhaha!

Too bad. 

But i did show him how his dog's ass skin was getting sore from all tt shit stuck tt.

Moral of the story.

Want ppl to take good care of yr dog. U pay.

Pay. Pay me $25 a day n i will make sure when yr dog shits i will comb off all the mush. 

Pay me n i will make sure i blowdry its feet everytime it gets damp from stupidly peeing on itself.

Pay me n i will comb off all that shitty food residues ard its mouth. OMG wat a dumbass dog. *rolls eyes*

Else dun keep yr dog's hair so high maintanence. Keep at home where yr poor maid will slave over it every second of the day.

So the guilt comes n goes n my confidence is kinda shaken.

my heart was beating when i realised tt if i had made a mistake, this mistake is irreversible.

And i had no supervisor over me.. or a teacher to make my mistake seem less serious.

And then i received an SMS from a potential customer asking if i would like to groom his rabbit (a fuzzy lop or whatever lar) this weekend.

And i remembered they say rabbit scared will die after bath one.

And im hesitating now cos i scared i make pple rabbit die.

Then how?

Should i or should i not?

And then i cheat my mind into thinking tt everything is fine again..

By telling myself tt "aiyah if he confirms the appointment then come n worry bout it la."

At most if i see his rabbit damn scared one i suggest a powder bath instead. 

N im writing all these worrisome thoughts of mine here to bore u cos i have no one to talk to these days except my dog.

N my stupid Pig fren disowned me cos apparently he fell in love with me again.

I need his counsel n straightforward ways of putting things across to validate my tears n fears.

I toyed with the idea of calling the ex. Cos who else would know me better rite?

Then decided against it.

Cos who knows, he might jus find me a nuisance right?

Sigh. i know. I'm weak like tt.

N oh. He said he ordered 3 cartons of canned food for Baby J. That's 72 cans n enough to last him a year since he consumes 1 can every 5-6 days for tt particular brand.

I can't decide what to think bout this action of his though.

Nice? 

Hmmm, maybe he still cares for the dog then.

*shrugs* i really dunno. 

I wish he still cares bout me though. ;[

ah well. 

Back to cheating the mind again tt everything's fine.

It's late n im finally gonna get some work done after moping around.

Conversations with my Mirror

Ed: You know? i asked myself yesterday what would it take for me to marry Dor*nn Chin?

Do: And?!? (indignantly)

Ed: I would probably marry you ah, if u din have tt terrible temper of yours... 

Do: But then, I'm lovable cos of my terrible temper! Cos when i'm bad, im bad. Which makes my good, even better!! It's my mojo!! ;p

Ed: yeah yeah.

 And that terrible obsession with your dog. You know ah, now im a student lei n normal working ppl wont date u lor. That prime slot of 8-10pm is taken up by that dog of yours! cant u get yr sisters to walk him?

Do: No lor, he's my responsibility n i feel guilty if i dun do it for him... :(

And anyways, if a guy is really into me, he will still wanna date me lousy timing n schedule or not. 

Well, tt's wat i hope..... 

Ed: Yar. Why dun u jus ask your dog to marry you.

Do: -_-  k....

..........................................................

I just remembered that Master Song told me the year before that 29 will b the age i meet my Mr Right.

Well, even if he meant 29 by not lunar, means it's this year, Mr Right will probably Not fit into my life now anyway. wat with 7 more months before i pass my eligible 29.

Huge sighs*

So it doesn't matter if i did waste my lunar 29 last year on Mr Inferior Product, which is what Ed calls him.

Apparently I have this knack of picking damaged guys, n mother n nurture them into someone i like them to be..... Ed says i should just b picking the good guys.. "That way, " he says, "at least if u end up divorced n entitled to half his assets, there is some substance in your half lor" .....

-_-"

Reality. Practicality. 

Maybe when u r 30 n still single, dating for love becomes an incredibly unsustainable concept.

Ed: "There r women out there who will NEVER even consider dating a guy without a condo, what r u doing with all these damaged guys??? You feel that u r not good enough for the good guys is it??"

Do: ... ... ... "Yeah i know there r girls out there who wont even date a guy who doesn't have a car.."

Ed: "Mayb u shld date a guy a few times, start to get to know him first then like him. Not like him first then date him la"

Do: "But i can't do that!? If i dun like him, i date him for wat???"

Ed: zzzzzz

........................................................................................

And then,

Do: "Have u ever heard of a dog groomer who manages to buy him/herself a BMW 3 series?? ;D"

Ed: "Yar. If the dog groomer marries a , say lawyer la"

Do: (major -____-|||)

.........................................................................................

As always, i believe that things will work itself out along the way for me.

I will set the tiles out one by one for my solo journey to success.  I always get my way, anyway. N i always get what i want. So all that's left is resilience n diligence on my part.

I will make it. I will!!1

Grieve finish, then relief.

Finally after close to 4 weeks, i finally accepted tt things had happened n r staying the way it should.

Time has finally fast forwarded n i'm no longer tt walking zombie, obsessed with wondering what is he up to.

Maybe sometimes, when u take time away from each other, you start to see the little things tt blinded u in the first place.

Like why his jokes seldom seemed funny to me. sometimes even lame. And realised wat i loved bout him is his reaction, his use of language n close to awful ah beng directness. haha

Like how our tastes in stuff like music, interests r how poles apart. N like when i go to KTV with him, i can never sing Mandarin duets with him. 

Im sure a person who so loves singing K shld deserve a proper duet partner right? *sigh*

Like how i always love the glitter n glamour of the little things tt happen ard me. n i love to bask in attention. But he never brings out tt side of our life together out for me, plus the fact tt he's totally different in this aspect as well.

I was blinded. 

But now i realise, that maybe some pple weren't meant to love certain pple.

N certain pple weren't meant to love me for the rest of my life.

It's how incredibly sad.

Cos i wonder, when Love slowly dissipates into thin air......... where does it float away to?

;(

I think for the first time actually, i'm actually going thru the whole proper process of grieving over a break up all alone.

The other times i had rebounds, over lapping shit n all.

I'm proud of myself for not running into the arms of another random man who fancies me for emotional shelter this time. :)

It's still difficult, sometimes. 

Especially when the tot tt he doesn't n won't miss me at all the way im missing him enters my head.

But i figure it's like coming to terms with death.

The vividness of memories will slowly fade n become blurry.

Along with the pain. And any leftover feelings or strains of love left.

And all that is left will b a fuzzy memory....

And then the thing u miss wont be the person anymore, but jus the good times which made u smile...

At this very moment, i will say "bb i miss u" but i know he doesn't miss me the same way anymore.

Simply cos i also know he doesn't come here to read me anymore too.

Cos his life has caught up with him n his focus has shifted to his new short term goal.

And his long term goals does not include me anymore. 

A part of me died along w our dead rship.

Now i'm waiting for the next stage of after-grieving.

Which is finding out whether my heart will still beat for someone else after all these......

Terms of Endearment...

Tonight, i got to think about terms of endearment...

For yr other half tt is...

I remember when i first started dating..

i was 15 going to 16..

Some boy from tuition group...

He used to call me dAh-Ling....

Cos my cheena name ends with a Ling sounding word...

N my 老师 used to call me Ah-Ling...

So tt stuck.

I really can't remember wat i called him.

Though the entire tuition grp n my gal pals always refer to him as Ah Hock.

Tt was super funny. ;D

Tt ended when he chided me for going to an eyebrow grooming session when he was broke. he couldn't see the reason why i go n spend 10 bucks to pluck eyebrows when he couldnt even afford a Mcdee's value meal for the two of us on dates after school...

When i was younger.. I was a ruthless eenie mienie lover..

I walked away from rships n never looked back.

I had them all on their knees, begging me to love them back. To return their affections for me.

When I was in JC, I dated a dude who was a retainee.

Someone who had to repeat Year 1 all over again.

N i tot tt was cool. u know. like Different.

So i walked into class w my careless attitude n floppy short hair which covered half my face, n ruthlessly flirted by eye contact.

Perhaps my eyes could speak better than I could.

Cos in truth i'm not very much a talker. Always very quiet ard pple im new to.

The air i carried was haughty yet in an understated way.

Always getting chided by my teacher for my horrible unladylike sitting postures in class.

I think the boys tot i was someone hard to conquer. though really, i din know i was portraying myself as tt.

Bingo! the shy guy took the bait.

N he called me Dear.

I can't remember wat i called him... once again.

But it ended after 15 months when i found out he was a self destructive person who used emotional blackmail on me in the form of hurting himself. like banging his head on the wall in the ladies' gym toilet when i refused to budge from my tantrum...

The break up was probably bad for him. Cos i would walk past him in the school canteen n not even acknowledge him once i said i wanted to end things

Mind you. Then, we only had pagers. Mobile phones were considered luxury n SMS was not even a common communication mode. 

Fuck, sometimes i wish we dun have such convenient ways of communicating as well.

Then angry emo drunk messages cannot b sent on crazy impulse n put the ball in the other person's court when he / she doesn't reply. u know wat i mean...

..................

Then, i met this pink haired guy while part timing at the hottest club in town.

I was 19, awaiting my A level results...

He was the sweetest guy i had ever known.

Taking the cab from the east to the west where i lived to pick me up for dates.

Never ever ever failing to send me home from his place to mine n then detour the cab back again. 

No matter wat time of the day n watever midnight charge nonsense.

He courted me slowly n surely. 

Bringing me home from Zouk in the middle of my work shift when i was burning at 38 d C n puking behind the club. Flowers. Soup left outside my door the next day. The best kisser i ever had then...

Brought me to my first R(A) movie before i turned 21. To my first holiday to BKK n HKG without my parents. n took so good care of me tt now when i look back, i realised he's much more mature than his 21 yrs then.

I called him Darling.

He said he preferred the term Baby.

I went 'eeks!! But i dun wanna b a baby! I wanna b a darling!"

Yeah *rolls eyes at the then me*

I think if i knew my 19 yr old self i will like slap her/me lor. so annoying!! eeeyurr!

He gave in to me... so many times..

Even when i argued tt if i dun tell him where or who i'd been with, it's not lying if i din do anything wrong.

He was the one who instilled in me the policy of honesty i fight for so badly in every rship now. Ironically.

Cos somehow over time, i came to experience having someone not account to me n got deeply hurt.

I look back now n wonder why was i so stupid?!? So immature

I was intimidated by his cyber dressing frenz though. The girls were aspiring models n they hung out with the coolest in town.

I was so young. Havent even started partying. Had terrible dress sense. Cos mummy dun bring me out shopping n i bought like 1 item every 6 months. n forever not enough clothes to wear one. 

I felt horribly inferior n he made me over.

Gave me a whole new wardrobe of choices. Stuff from Blackjack, cult brands...

Which i argued tt i dun like. i preferred mundane stuff. I haven't discovered my personal style yet then u see.

I seriously think i drove him hell crazy w my nonsensical childish stubborness...

N then i had to go n cheat on him..... w the mega ex.

N he forgave me.

n he took a short break from me. but saw me w the mega ex. n completely signed me off.

Though i din see wat the big deal was .... 

u see... i did say i was an eenie mienie lover back then. But hell lot ignorant n insensitive.

..............................

And then life started with the mega ex.

Who i was seeing anyway b4 pink hair dude. But unofficially. But he was my best fren. n soulmate.

So many nights we spent at the carpark downstairs just looking into the stars n having deep conversations about crazy things.

He was the one who came between me n pink hair.

Cos i was so torn between one who was a super sweet lover/caregiver/provider/teacher n the other who can simply complete my sentences n make me laugh all the freakin time...

Pink hair said he couldn't express himself to me cos he not as English ed as me. i was like ???

We dated for a good 3-4 mths unofficially. Cos he was gonna go back to London for college after serving national duty anyway.

We were stuck hip to hip. Every weekend hand in hand seen at Zouk.

But always telling ppl who asked if we r together..."no ah we r not together.." like duhhh....

We dated another 6 mths or so before we started having pet names for each other.

I dun remember how it started n how the hell it evolved to wat it is still today, even after separating.

But his mom call him B , short for Baby cos he's the youngest.

N i said 'eeeeek' im not gonna call him wat his mom call him!

We wrote alot to each other on postcards n love letters though we saw each other every day.

Thinking hard, it was from the mushy words tt our pet names came about.

He always said "Y r u so small n cute one!??!" (erm.. i wasn't ever tabby like now last time fyi.. -_-)

N once i wrote 'little beetle' on one of our love notes.....

which shortened to "beetle".....

N then one day i said softly, 'actually i always want u to call me tt."

N he went 'really?!?!" wide eyed n then gathered me in his bear like hug w a smile.

N the "Bee" moniker started between us. with little drawings of bees n flowers n crap la.

it had variations as the rest of the 4 yrs went by.

Boo, Boot, finally settling w Beet.

Which we still use now.

*shrugs* 

it's strange huh? Using a term of endearment with someone u've already broken up with???

We could nvr figure tt out ourselves either. hmm

.............................................

The next 2 cheating, lying losers i dated for 14 months n then 5 months were jus plain "Baby"

The relationships never had depth enough to have any kind of history or special stories...

Jus pain n hurt n lotsa self destruction on my side.

I seriously think it was my karma for being a eenie mienie lover when i was young n for cheating on pink hair guy.

N then also on the mega ex.

The tables turned on me definitely, as my luck in love ran out after the mega ex.

Sigh.

I'm writing this post becos im feeling fucked up bout running out of my favourite terms of endearments.

After having used variations of 'dear', 'darling' n so many from the root word 'baby'; what else is left for me to use huh?

Every relationship hence lover shld have a special place. At least to me.... n i wanna accord them each a special name mah.

Sigh.

Everytime i swore to myself to reserve the B word for someone i knew who i will spend the rest of my life with, everytime it fucks up.

So here I m...

Having called Beng 'bb' for at least 20 mths in our 22mths rship, i really m running out of options here m i not? ;(

N i dun ever wanna go back to dear' or darling' ever again cos it's just so..... eeek.

Like those couples who met thru SDU or something...

So there...

i know many couples call theirpartners 'bb'as well but i had one n only 'bb' in my life mah.

N if any of u can think of any more/other variation of the word "baby' for a lover...

Can share not???

Cos i sure as hell m not gonna call my hubby 'eh'. 

It has to b something catchy mah. Which can use angrily in quarrels, or passionately in bed one. 

That means no over gooey stuff like 'sugar' or 'babyboooo' or crap like tt.

Jus one or two syllables will b perfect! Easy to call when excited. ;D

*chuckles*

k night night!

Yes i know im crazy n long winded! 

Shut up n stop laughing at me! humph*

Someone Like You...

I think my closest friends all know what I do when i go thru a bad time.

I either...

Drink until im outta control.

Smoke til im outta control.

Blog emo-ly til all readers get turned off.

Vent my anger on public billboards like Facebook.

Read Shakespeare like obsessively trying to pose as a cheem' emo.

Tweet heavily. To the point of annoying cos i have a tendency to fill out yr entire page w my shit.

Maybe my bestie was right to have a bad feeling.

Cos this time i actually started a Twitter acct for my puppy.

Follow him @Baby_J_den for a dog's view on his life with his owner, ie, me.

I know right?

I'm definitely going crazy this time.

Perhaps even kinda schizo??

Well.. the point of this post really...

is this:

I got to thinking bout break ups n all tt jazz.

u know those quiet moments u have to yrself n u think where did it all start to go wrong, wonder y din things work out..

Thinking about all the good times n bad.

N how time flies from yr courtship period to the down in the dumps period.

N then i asked myself.

Why oh why. if at the very beginning I had doubts bout a dude, i couldn't ever stop myself from falling headlong into another possible disaster even when i kinda knew it would b a-coming one fine day?

I thumped out my heart for an hour n 15 mins on a private blog to him, closing all but 2 months of our draggy end...

But could never find the right words to tell him all tt face to face.

He was like my soulmate when the communication medium was virtual, thru a blog of all things.

When speaking over a phone would definitely result in a shouting screaming match, 

N when skin to skin, my head just stop reasoning, my heart jus stop beating the normal way n my foul mouth jus entirely clams up??

I had told myself maybe it was only the beginning stages of new love, tts y my heart skips all the time ard him.

Then only now i realise...

It's because initial attraction pulled the wool over my eyes.

We have extremely different point of views, values, morals, all of which r such important things.

When they say opposites attract, i think they mean stuff like character, personalities, hobbies...

But when fundamental things built into a person from since he/she was brought up in, now tt's a different story. Ain't it.?

I  did love him. Hell i did.

This 2 year relationship is the second longest to tt of the mega ex.

I will always love him too.

But the clashing n fighting as a result kinda killed us, me, him.....

Maybe, Well, i'm just wondering...

The Right One ain't someone we r attracted to in the first place. 

N then try so hard to make it work.

I think The Right One is someone unassuming. Someone whom we prob dislike at first instance...but discover tt we could really TALK to. communicate properly with. Feel with heart n soul what the other is thinking... as if by telepathy?

The Right One could just b tt soulmate everyone has to have.

But this one... well..could b just The One Who Got Away...

U know. 

Like , well, The One Who Got Away (TOWGA for short), is always the one where the rship was dramatic, full of love, n sacrifices... but was never enough to make it to Happily Ever After.

Each rship/persons shld have their individual TOWGA for different indiv reasons also la.

 

I had sworn before, on my life, never to share a dogwith a bf ever again.

N look wat i did!?!

My pup has gotten so emotionally dejected after losing a supposed Daddy tt he has freakin' gone n set up a twit acct for himself.

(K Im losing it. defintiely schizo liao) ;p

So now another question.

In a lifetime, how many TOWGAs can one have?

.

.

.

Duh. 

Of cos ONE la.

it might change as experiences stack up. new relationships come along. 

like playing musical chairs.

But yes, i have come to a conclusion in my foggy sleepy crazy feverish mind now tt everybody has a The Right One n a TOWGA in his/her lifetime.

Be honoured to b someone's TOWGA though. 

Cos they will always look back fondly n think of how their life would b better/spicier/happier with u than the one they end up with......

U will b the fork in their life path. 

A decision made tt left one possibility unexplored. For watever reasons...

Notice though, tt when one chooses someone else other than their TOWGA, the chosen one might not b The Right One (TRO)either.

So u could b left with wondering if yr TRO could still b out there waiting to b discovered by u. On top of wondering if yr TOWGA regards u the same way u regard them as well..

 Basically, it means tt even if u settled down. n u r someone like me who thinks too much. or watched too much SATC, u'll never b happy.....

KNN Now tt's wat i call serious mind fucking. 

Fuvk me Fuvk my Life Max~.  >;O

(yo bestie, u understand this shit or not?! wahahah)

Yet another killer line ...

Sponge: "Yeah i wanna watch SATC2!!"

Dodo:    "yaaaar!" n starts babbling bout the part which moved me most.

Sponge: " I think in real life Carrie n Big won't get together one lor. I mean, he ding dong her around for 10 years then finally settle for her. Which man will ding dong a girl he really loves/cares bout for 10 years one??? And then decides to marry her???

I think the situation/happy ending for Carrie happens to like a very minority of women out there one lor..."

Dodo: (in deep thought thereafter)

You know. i never really tot bout it so objectively.

But wat she says is true... ;]

When u incorporate the rule of "He's just not that into You" into the whole SATC thing. it all just doesn't make sense....

"A little piece of Heaven" might just only exist in fantasy land...

Sigh.....

SATC2 the Movie.

After movie, I commented to bestie the scene that disturbed me most.

That was when Big presented Carrie w the black diamond to remind her tt she is married to him.

To replace the crappy LCD tv he gave her for their anniversary.

Accompanied with the fact tt he forgave her for cheating.

Can it be all too good to be true?

Men dun have to be reminded  to make up for things after they fuck up meh?

I think not lor. SIGH~

N i told her tt i think it's all bout finding the right man.

Someone who understands what u think, feel.

Watever. Just understand.

Her reply "u think really got men who will bother to take time to understand women meh?"

Eeekss..

sadly. tt could b the truth.

*wince*

But i have faith.

Cos i've had a semi Big before.

sigh. n i thought i wouldn't b so Carrie-d-away after hearing bad reviews bout the movie.....

oh. n u know the line tt got to me most?
When she asked him y a black diamond n he replied it's cos she's always non traditional.
;_(
So sweeet i wanna stab myself for all the times i end up with men who never seemed to know me.

- _ -"

"Hey u r xxx's girlfriend rite!!!?"

"er how u know?"

"No larrr! I saw yr pics with him on his fb!!!

You dun remember me???"

"Er ... no?"

"Anyway u check out his section on Fb lar! it's somewhere in the XXX section where i'm one of the XXX"

"Er... i dunno.. i can't go to his wall. seems like im blocked. ... "

"Huh???"

"er yar.. dun ask me why...."

................................................................................

-_-"

geeeZ~

I'm just waiting...

... for Love, to fall down like rain...........

is it possible for our parched roots of love to be nourished again??

"Maybe my expectations r too high. cos tt's wat u always keep saying...
But then again... mountains have to be moved.... 
to prove tt you r really tt into me.
Else i'm jus a fluffy cushion...for yr lonely emotions... "

Affected Affections....

It's funny how one moment i can be ultra optimistic bout life...

And the next... down in the dumps...

Simply cos of one simple remark, or abstract-ish comment yr loved one put on their MSN, Watsapp, Facebook status blahblah...

Well... i suppose it's for my good tt he blocked me off then.

I'm never very good at guessing wat's in the other person's mind anyway...

N with my wild imaginations, i make like the WORST inference.... Argh.

So tt's for causing the constant mind fucking.

So since he constantly blames me for my own mind fucking tt causes the rifts in our relationships, i will continue to numb myself in daily activities n act dumb dumb i guess.

I can't wait for dog to enter my life now.

I need a listening ear, a pair of understanding eyes... 

n someone who doesn't give his judgements immediately n cause me to b upset.

N i need someone warm to hold n hug n be constantly by my side as i will b by him.

M very sure Baby Jayden will fill up tt void in my painful heart.

I'm fine.

But why do i still feel pain? ;(

Sighhhh... how?

I read this past post of mine...

N I got confused again.... 

Yeah, it's true.

He keeps trying to break things off.

So wat if circumstances in life dun allow things to work?

Love will conquer all rite?

Like i kept repeating to him, I nvr allowed this break to happen earlier even though we've been fighting for a good 9 months.

This happened only because he kept saying he wants to let me go to find another person.

I jus keep interpreting it as ... He's just not that into me.

It's painful.....

I hope the time apart tells me heart the answer it seeks. ;_(

Taking time out to understand...

... more Shakepeare. ;D

Really regret not taking up Literature in my schooling days now.

Oh wellll...

I almost cried just now reading this.

I dunno why...

Romeo: 

"With love's light wings did i o'perch these walls,

For stony limits cannot hold love out,

And what love can do, that dares love attempt;

Therefore thy kinsmen are no stop to me"

Though i only read this the first time ever,

I do think i would very much be Shakespeare's romantic soulmate. lol~

Love does conquer all....

One won't feel pain, hunger, weariness when motivated by love.

Well.. at least tt's me.

So please dun try to change my dreamy romantic ideals to something so realistic n practical n so not me anymore. 

I truly do not appreciate that.

This is me.

N i seriously think this is the reason why i'm lovable!! hohohoho~ *thick skinned*

"Love goes toward love, as schoolboys from their books,

But love from love, toward school with heavy looks."

..........................................................................

Gonna be a busy day morrow.

Picking up a friend's dog to groom n i hope my Google maps GPS function work properly morrow to get me to location man.

Then gotta send back dog n then gather at Temasek Poly for this pet course.

Also will be parting with $450 worth of course fees.

The course fees r seriously draining me dry.. seriously WTF lor.

Course for next 4 days til 10pm at night... i confirm @_@"

n zzzzzz in class.... 

N What the hell i doing here posing w my new found Shakespeare!??!

Stupid!

I shld be writing tt letter to Pure Yoga requesting for my 5 classes back!!!

ARGH.

I dun wanna bother but this is too much 漏财 in a month i can't take it readdddyyyyyy!

*pulls hair* ;p

Who's more in pain?

So i've been reading Shakespeare on my iPhone these days while on the train n bus stops...

Starting with R + J of cos. 

Might move to Macbeth next...

I always felt like the Bard portrayed Romeo as the more oft depressed of the pair of lovebirds....

He's like this super emo, n everything R says is as if he'd always a knife in his heart...

Juliet seemed to always just bask in his love.... n just content n happy in loving him...

Well wat would i know? 

I nvr studied Literature in depth n i'm only at Act 1.

Well.... I loved what Romeo said here...

"Why, such is love's transgression.

Griefs of mine own lie heavy in my breast,

Which thou wilt propagate to have it press'd

With more of thine. This love that thou hast shown

Doth add more grief to too much of mine own.

Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs,

Being purg'd, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes,

Being vex'd, a sea nourish'd with loving tears,

What is it else? a madness most discreet,

A choking gall, and a preserving sweet."

There, the definition of Love.

Never been more aptly put into words....

In my story, this Juliet is more in pain than Romeo.

Vexed n filling a sea out with loving tears.

Nothing else but a madness in my head i can't seem to tell anyone , n which no one else wants to hear of anymore.

And definitely a bitterness which chokes me every now n then, but with such sweet memories.

Check me into Rehab. Likeseriously.

Click on mixpod.

"Baby, baby, when we first met

I never felt something so strong

You were like my lover and my best friend

All wrapped into one, with a ribbon on it

And all of a sudden, when you left

I didn't know how to follow, it's like a shot

That spun me around and now my heart left

I feel so empty and hollow

And I'll never give myself to another, the way I gave it to you

Don't even recognize the ways you hit me, do you?

It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back

And you're the one to blame

And now I feel like, oh, you're the reason why I'm thinking

I don't wanna smoke all these cigarettes no more

I guess this is what I get for wishful thinking

I should've never let you into my door

Next time you wanna go on and leave

I should just let you go on and do it

It's not amusing like I believe

It's like I checked into rehab

Baby, you're my disease

It's like I checked into rehab

Baby, you're my disease

I gotta check into rehab

'Cause baby, you're my disease

I gotta check into rehab

'Cause baby, you're my disease

Damn, ain't it crazy when your love slams?

You'll do anything for the one you love

'Cause anytime that you needed me, I'd be there

It's like you were my favorite drug

The only problem is that you was using me

In a different way that I was using you

But now that I know, it's not meant to be

You gotta go, I gotta wean myself off you

And I'll never give myself to another, the way I gave it to you

Don't even recognize the ways you hit me, do you?

It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back

And you're the one to blame

'Cause now I feel like, oh, you're the reason why I'm thinking

I don't wanna smoke all these cigarettes no more

I guess this is what I get for wishful thinking

I should've never let you into my door

Next time you wanna go on and leave

I should just let you go on and do it

It's not amusing like I believe

It's like I checked into rehab

Baby, you're my disease

It's like I checked into rehab

Baby, you're my disease

I gotta check into rehab

'Cause baby, you're my disease

I gotta check into rehab

'Cause baby, you're my disease

Oh, you're the reason why I'm thinking

I don't wanna smoke all these cigarettes no more

I guess this is what I get for wishful thinking

I should've never let you into my door

Next time you wanna go on and leave

I should just let you go on and do it

It's not amusing like I believe

It's like I checked into rehab

Baby, you're my disease

It's like I checked into rehab

Baby, you're my disease

I gotta check into rehab

'Cause baby, you're my disease

I gotta check into rehab

'Cause baby, you're my disease"

For everything else, follow my tweets.

I'm a mercenary, materialistic, realistic bitch. 

I know how to love, but i'm trying to pretend i was not even educated in that.

All im left with are the basic values that I have been taught.

That is : "Treat others how u like to be treated."

And: "Honesty is the best policy"

I thank my mother n my basic education who n which ingrained that in me.

Those who dun feel the same, stay away from me.