Sighhhh... how?

I read this past post of mine...

N I got confused again.... 

Yeah, it's true.

He keeps trying to break things off.

So wat if circumstances in life dun allow things to work?

Love will conquer all rite?

Like i kept repeating to him, I nvr allowed this break to happen earlier even though we've been fighting for a good 9 months.

This happened only because he kept saying he wants to let me go to find another person.

I jus keep interpreting it as ... He's just not that into me.

It's painful.....

I hope the time apart tells me heart the answer it seeks. ;_(

Taking time out to understand...

... more Shakepeare. ;D

Really regret not taking up Literature in my schooling days now.

Oh wellll...

I almost cried just now reading this.

I dunno why...

Romeo: 

"With love's light wings did i o'perch these walls,

For stony limits cannot hold love out,

And what love can do, that dares love attempt;

Therefore thy kinsmen are no stop to me"

Though i only read this the first time ever,

I do think i would very much be Shakespeare's romantic soulmate. lol~

Love does conquer all....

One won't feel pain, hunger, weariness when motivated by love.

Well.. at least tt's me.

So please dun try to change my dreamy romantic ideals to something so realistic n practical n so not me anymore. 

I truly do not appreciate that.

This is me.

N i seriously think this is the reason why i'm lovable!! hohohoho~ *thick skinned*

"Love goes toward love, as schoolboys from their books,

But love from love, toward school with heavy looks."

..........................................................................

Gonna be a busy day morrow.

Picking up a friend's dog to groom n i hope my Google maps GPS function work properly morrow to get me to location man.

Then gotta send back dog n then gather at Temasek Poly for this pet course.

Also will be parting with $450 worth of course fees.

The course fees r seriously draining me dry.. seriously WTF lor.

Course for next 4 days til 10pm at night... i confirm @_@"

n zzzzzz in class.... 

N What the hell i doing here posing w my new found Shakespeare!??!

Stupid!

I shld be writing tt letter to Pure Yoga requesting for my 5 classes back!!!

ARGH.

I dun wanna bother but this is too much 漏财 in a month i can't take it readdddyyyyyy!

*pulls hair* ;p

Who's more in pain?

So i've been reading Shakespeare on my iPhone these days while on the train n bus stops...

Starting with R + J of cos. 

Might move to Macbeth next...

I always felt like the Bard portrayed Romeo as the more oft depressed of the pair of lovebirds....

He's like this super emo, n everything R says is as if he'd always a knife in his heart...

Juliet seemed to always just bask in his love.... n just content n happy in loving him...

Well wat would i know? 

I nvr studied Literature in depth n i'm only at Act 1.

Well.... I loved what Romeo said here...

"Why, such is love's transgression.

Griefs of mine own lie heavy in my breast,

Which thou wilt propagate to have it press'd

With more of thine. This love that thou hast shown

Doth add more grief to too much of mine own.

Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs,

Being purg'd, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes,

Being vex'd, a sea nourish'd with loving tears,

What is it else? a madness most discreet,

A choking gall, and a preserving sweet."

There, the definition of Love.

Never been more aptly put into words....

In my story, this Juliet is more in pain than Romeo.

Vexed n filling a sea out with loving tears.

Nothing else but a madness in my head i can't seem to tell anyone , n which no one else wants to hear of anymore.

And definitely a bitterness which chokes me every now n then, but with such sweet memories.

Check me into Rehab. Likeseriously.

Click on mixpod.

"Baby, baby, when we first met

I never felt something so strong

You were like my lover and my best friend

All wrapped into one, with a ribbon on it

And all of a sudden, when you left

I didn't know how to follow, it's like a shot

That spun me around and now my heart left

I feel so empty and hollow

And I'll never give myself to another, the way I gave it to you

Don't even recognize the ways you hit me, do you?

It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back

And you're the one to blame

And now I feel like, oh, you're the reason why I'm thinking

I don't wanna smoke all these cigarettes no more

I guess this is what I get for wishful thinking

I should've never let you into my door

Next time you wanna go on and leave

I should just let you go on and do it

It's not amusing like I believe

It's like I checked into rehab

Baby, you're my disease

It's like I checked into rehab

Baby, you're my disease

I gotta check into rehab

'Cause baby, you're my disease

I gotta check into rehab

'Cause baby, you're my disease

Damn, ain't it crazy when your love slams?

You'll do anything for the one you love

'Cause anytime that you needed me, I'd be there

It's like you were my favorite drug

The only problem is that you was using me

In a different way that I was using you

But now that I know, it's not meant to be

You gotta go, I gotta wean myself off you

And I'll never give myself to another, the way I gave it to you

Don't even recognize the ways you hit me, do you?

It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back

And you're the one to blame

'Cause now I feel like, oh, you're the reason why I'm thinking

I don't wanna smoke all these cigarettes no more

I guess this is what I get for wishful thinking

I should've never let you into my door

Next time you wanna go on and leave

I should just let you go on and do it

It's not amusing like I believe

It's like I checked into rehab

Baby, you're my disease

It's like I checked into rehab

Baby, you're my disease

I gotta check into rehab

'Cause baby, you're my disease

I gotta check into rehab

'Cause baby, you're my disease

Oh, you're the reason why I'm thinking

I don't wanna smoke all these cigarettes no more

I guess this is what I get for wishful thinking

I should've never let you into my door

Next time you wanna go on and leave

I should just let you go on and do it

It's not amusing like I believe

It's like I checked into rehab

Baby, you're my disease

It's like I checked into rehab

Baby, you're my disease

I gotta check into rehab

'Cause baby, you're my disease

I gotta check into rehab

'Cause baby, you're my disease"

For everything else, follow my tweets.

I'm a mercenary, materialistic, realistic bitch. 

I know how to love, but i'm trying to pretend i was not even educated in that.

All im left with are the basic values that I have been taught.

That is : "Treat others how u like to be treated."

And: "Honesty is the best policy"

I thank my mother n my basic education who n which ingrained that in me.

Those who dun feel the same, stay away from me.

Love, like rain.......

"Love, like rain, can nourish from above, drenching couples with a soaking joy.

But sometimes, under the angry heat of life,

Love dries on the surface and must nourish from below,

Tending to its roots,

Keeping itself alive."

- The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom

I devoured this book in one sitting(actually only bout 4-5 hours), on this Saturday night when i'm at home.

When I picked up the book again after a shower, boyfriend came by with surprise dinner tapao jus when I was settling for yoghurt n potato crisps for a late dinner. 

That was nice...... :)

Actions like these, n those of little initiatives, like holding my hand n telling me everything is gonna be fine whilst in an argument....

are to me like love in the rain.

It falls over us n reaches the grounds, n gets stored beneath the earth's surface for use again when too much heat n sun takes a toil on us. 

It can then be tapped from the roots of our love again, for days when the love no longer falls like rain.

How much is in our love reservoir?

How deep underground do our roots of love stretch?

I stress again and always on the foundations of a relationship.

Communication, understanding..... lotsa talkin talkin talking....

To me... when a couple gets each other, it's everything. Ain't it?

.................................................

Nearing 3/4 of the book, parents started hollering at each other in the bedroom

Well, more like my dad hollering n my mom speaking in hushed tones.

Sounded to me like 1 wanting very very much to communicate n talk n be heard n be understood. While the other simply was too lazy to do so. 

N they do this all the time!?

N I feel the pain of both, u know?

The one who wishes to be heard n understood becomes more desperate n despaired when the other refuses to see things his/her way.

It becomes a lonely battle with one's own mind. 

How else do u get outta yr head what u wanna say, jus to one particular person, most of the time the closest to u?

The one who is simply too tired, blanked out from work, can't handle neediness, can't express self person will simply become horribly frustrated at the other person who keeps pushing his/her tots onto ownself.

He/she feels like the other is trying to force something outta them. n therefore, more frustrations.

Leading to anger.

SIGH.

It sounded n feels like my arguments with bf. 

Well. i dunno. 

There r bad days n there r good days.

I'm jus glad to be home tonight to witness my parents' fight. 

At least i know wat goes on beneath the surface, though im still wondering whether it was okie for me to intervene the way i did.

It affirmed the fact that i need to sit down with my mommy for a good heart to heart talk one day...

Well i think i shld make it soon.

N it also kinda added more stress for me being the eldest in the family n being jobless n kinda in between everything in life now.

Argh.

Esp when hearing daddy lamenting while in tt argument jus now bout how tired he is of working working working n how he feels like jus shirking responsibility n walking out.

I cant blame him really.... bearing the burden of a family of 4+1 on his aching, tired n sore knees is really bad.

(+1 cos of grandpa. n Grandpa is simply driving mom up the wall with his stupid elderly tantrums n quirks. n mom in turn drives dad up the wall cos she needs an outlet. i just wish it was Grandma instead of Grandpa though. Cos she's so much more of a delight to have around. Fuck. should i even be allowed to say this?!?!? Geez)

I have sore knees too, n i know exactly how bad it feels every single second.

I need a sign, a direction. Someone to tell me wat to do quick so i can relieve my sore kneed father before he can no longer walk.

Time to look into my reservoir of strength, which gets bigger n deeper as more Love Rain falls. 

I draw strength from my rship. I know it's a big risk to take. 

But tt's me, when im happy in love, nothing else matters.

Superheros by the Beach!

Date 21st March 2010, Sunday

Time 10am to 5pm

Venue East Coast Park E2 (next to East Coast Lagoon Hawker Centre)

Doggie Express Grooming by School of Pet Grooming for just $10!!

For more information on doggie contests n activities, please visit http://www.petschannel.com/events/details/superheros-by-the-beach/135

This is where i will be!! 

A yearly event! Bring yr pooch along to say hi! ;D

Celebration of freedom...Realisation of New Prison.

For those of u who loved my old blog....

I've unlocked it... 

Whole n in 1 piece. ;)

Only thing is.. the links are all messed up cos i changed URL like many times during those turbulent times.

I might not have dyed my hair ah lian auburn like i swore i would. But now that Im outta the company, this is my way of celebrating my new found freedom. ;D

Hey come to think bout it, i haven't gone out n got drunk or did something really naughty even though I've had things to celebrate for lei! WTF!

Well, so here it is. 

www.disappeared-without-a-trace.blogspot.com

I know I havent been putting pics in this current blog, though the iPhone has made it much more convenient.

The arrival of Twitter has not helped either.

I looked thru my old posts n pics from 2008 only i had like an overdose of nostalgia.

Not only was i skinnier n leaner. I had soooooo many activities ALL the time!!

Going out to play. going out to sightsee. Group outings... OMG!

Why ... why did i let myself slip into someone I dun even recognise anymore?!?! when clearly i stated here that I would guard my heart with all my might n vowed never to get lost.

the excerpt:

"because when u lose yr head n expect unspoken things to be done to u n then settle all things spoken is not Shiok~

But also cos u can't help thinking tt time spent with yr friends makes u happier n less expectant...

I'm getting my head back becos of all the bad lessons i've learnt in Love.

Which is Lesson #706
NEVER have expectations..

-a) lesson will hurt u
-b) never expect behaviours of reciprocations becos of wat u do thru-out the process
-c) never lose yr head n imagine snapshots of bliss...

Truth is......

Reality of sleepiness n monday blues won't satiate yr romantic fantasies...

Shut up all u who ask me wat is a rship without expectations

It's is called a Pessimistic n 'dunno go where 'r-ship...."

Could it becos of this? When my walls came down?

Anyway, during the past week, i've managed to step back a little n look at things from a different perspective.

I've been in current relationship n staying in it jus wishing n waiting for the desired end result.

I've given up a large part of who i m for this guy.

I've seen that everyone around me including HIM have moved along in life n got better jobs, etc etc. 

But myself.

I see myself now n i wanna slap my pathetic self.

I lost tt fiesty catty side of me.

Cos i'm scared.

Honestly, i'm scared of not being able to find a good man

I'm scared of going thru the whole courtship/relationship process all over again with another person.

This is why i m still here.

Complaining, sulking... n STILL BLOODY NOT GETTING MY WAY.

My old blog used to get me my way all the time. (N got me into trouble! ;p)

It also used to make me heard all the time. I never cared who read my emo or embarrassing drunken post either.

So why did i start caring just cos he disapproved!??!?

I M who i M.

I believe now that when i forgot this simple fact.

SO DID YOU.

I'm gonna wake up tomorrow n remind myself of this. Tomorrow will be a better day. As will the day after n the day after. ;) This i promise u, my friends, n myself!

Positive Psych.

So talking bout applying positive psychology in life huh?

To me, Happiness could probably be attained by:

1) Getting over the stuff that makes one dissatisfied with life n turn it all around n make it seem postive lor (obviously easier said than done. FYL)

2) Striving to work very very hard so as to attain the goals, wants, needs, etc that satisfies one.
(Does not work in every aspect of life, for eg relationships, partner in life.)

3) Just live with it laaaar. (Read again Pt. #1) -_-

4) Making a decision to do away with the source of unhappiness n move on to seek personal nirvana. (Hard to do most of the times...)

5) Just enjoy the ups n cruise thru the downs, awaiting the next upper, if ever. (This is what i'm doing....)


K im feeling incredibly pessimistic now.
Doesn't matter even if at least 3 positive things happen to me each n everyday.
These positive things r still not what i like fanatically.
doooo dooo dooooooo~ *hums* SIGH~

Digestible?

How would u take it if the love in yr life keeps telling u, over n over that yes, u r a priority in his life. But not the foremost thing on his mind.

Kinda an irony ain't it?

He's just Not that into you. If he's breaking up with you. - Excerpts from the book

"A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves.

If he's not calling you to tell you he loves u n wants u back, it shld only be because he's showing up at yr new residence to do it in person.

If he's not trying to romance yr socks off w dates, flowers, and poetry, it shld only be because he's too engrossed with his couples counselling workbooks n is priortising getting back on the right track.

If he's not doing any of that, he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you."

Another:

"If he's not calling you to tell you he hired a U-haul to come pick up your stuff n move it back into his house, then consider yrself a nice, downy little pillow cushioning him from his feelings of lonliness and loss tt he's not fully ready to deal with on his own."

OMG What had I done?

I had this book for the longest time but i nvr read it til 2 nights ago.
Instead I chose to listen to other women. Who said that I was the one who expected too much.
"You think wat? like in drama series meh?? expect him to chase after u on the road ah?"

Obviously some of these women need to read this book too.

Yep. So i listened instead of sticking to my own beliefs n waited for 4 days before I went to get him.

I'm a door mat. FML.

So... wat shld i do now?

相爱没有那么容易 。

Cos 每个人有他的脾气。
This week's 93.3fm 's chart topper.

Dun ask me why. Cos the lalio at grooming school is forever turned to tt freaking chAnnel.

Give me a couple more months n I can comfyly integrate into KTV culture.

It's written in my 八字。 I'm destined to have relationship problems all my life cos of my 七杀 n dunno wat in my pillar of life. So... FML.

I wish my 正官 could b stronger. Then maybe I can b stronger more independent n can have my doggie store earlier.


Do u believe in fortune telling? If it is all written in the stars. N all we can do is to deviate tt little from our destined path in lives. Yet still having to face up to wat destiny has in store for us. Wat would u you do?

要还是不要。

It's a constant struggle for me.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Lost in Translation

I'm confused.

No one really understands me these days.

I also dun understand myself now.

K for the first time, I have no words to describe wat i feel....

Just.. duh....

It's like my antenna is giving off wrong signs n signals all the time.

Argh.

K it was a really rough week.
Maybe i just need a drink.

What car am I?

So yours truly has been going out to play with a bunch of fly boys.
Though my role is purely that of 'mamasan' like...
Bringing entertainment to my single girlfriends n guy friends alike.

N Fly Boy AT had to tell me that gf TT is like a Ferrari that every man like to have.
Well. Said TT is well endowed with a gorgeous face n enviable body tt i do not have to elaborate on.
But then he said... 'I jus wanna have a Toyota lor, something that everybody has but will not WANT to have"

Which got me thinking...
WOW... which car brand am I?
I do not wish to be tt coveted Ferrari, cos i do not have tt sleek body n assets.
An Aston Martin would be reserved for celebrities n trophy girlfriends.

Sigh.....

Since Fly Boy AT did not wanna give me an immediate valuation, I can only imagine what kinda men come shop for me at the car showroom. ;( geez..

I do wish that I'm just a BMW.
the brand speaks for itself.
I will be troublesome when u dun maintain me well, but when i run, my engine purr like a beauty... n please my driver....
As I age, if i'm well maintained, i will run with u til the end of time.
If not, i will choke n cough n give u problems n require much more attention esp if the needed attention comes too late.

Well i do wish la.
As time passes n my number increases... i jus feel like an old Merc.
with a history of lousy heck care owners.
N giving my current driver a hell lotsa problems requiring major overhauls n reassurance n TLC.
N then the owner will jus give up cos of the high mainainence costs n pass me along to some other unsuspecting old Merc wanter.
Maybe my first owner had really loved me so much n polished n groomed me everyday, drove me without pushing my engines too hard, but we had to part cos of circumstances.
N it was my bad luck to appeal to subsequent horrid owners...

Ahhhh.... the life of a car...
the random owners/drivers it goes thru.
Have u ever imagined, if your car can talk to u.... wat would it tell u? ;)

I believe my family car might just b one of my soulmates...
For witnessing all kinds of conversations, moods, driving styles while my family members n myself are in it.

Well... i dunno la. maybe i talking rubbish....
Ten dogs to help out with later...
N i wanna prove tt i won't b late.
Good night!!

Heart*

Big black gooey eyes.....
Silky soft fur.....
Loyal n attentive.....
A little bit of fats
A little bit of a rascal...
Loves to copy the way humans talk...
I miss him so much...... ;_(

My Whiskey!!

The Last One

When I forgot how much I used to love my job, Edd reminded me how happy I was 6 years back when I found out I got accepted.

D: Was I really really happy? I can't remember....
E: Yeah. It was a world class day.
D: Really???

N then I remembered.
I skipped, i giggled, I looked at the sky n at the planes passing and I smiled cos I imagined the freedom that would come to me soon.... seeing the world.......

I remembered when I got my first pay check.
I remembered when I finally finished paying for the school loan I owed with my own money.
The kind of empowerment n pride I felt.
I remembered when I got my first complimentary letter. The kind with my name on it.
The pride I put into my job.

I remembered the first n only time I cried after a flight.
It was my 3rd solo n my first team flight. N my team mates were mean n I sat in the toilet next to the bath tub at Thistle-something hotel in London while waiting for Rif to come, smoking and crying n feeling loserish cos I caved n cried. When i tot i would never ever...

I remembered the first time I saw the Eiffel Tower. And the overwhelming excitement when I was going to NYC, jus cos it was so SATC.

The anticipation waiting for each month's roster......

The learning curve was steep. Cos i was the sort who wanted to be good in everything that I do.
I wanted pple to trust me, say that I'm good. N if I was not, i only wanna be better.

The challenges kept coming... different work positions, different loads, different pple to work with, different stress levels....

Until................. it really became no more of a challenge anymore.

N then comfort n complacency set in.
I was really getting bored.
All I wanted was recognition for my hard work....

But it seemed not to bear fruit n certain mistakes were done at some crucial timings.
Medical leave, disciplinary lapses..........
put all my efforts back to naught.

N now here I m.

But I wonder when EVER again I will get to speak with the random ppl I do talk to at work everyday.
Some colleagues leave a distinct foot print in one's life, some just drift past with a mere shadow, not even a face.

Everyday, every different person, Always different jokes. different opinions.

Will I become boring now?

N lastly, cos i left the cast with the backstage passes, I'm so sad that I won't have first hand access to the stories n the cast backstage anymore...! ;(
Not to mention the privileges....

I'm sad. Really.
More than scared for the future.

Cos i think bout how happy n in love I was in the beginning....
N now the love affair had come to an end.
I really dunno how to go about mourning it....

N if the job is not really a thing u can hug n bid farewell properly to.....
How to get closure n say bye bye properly n move on??
I jus wanted to tell it.....
"I love u n will always do. Thank you for the good times, n the bad which toughened me up. For being the pillar in my life when everything else like my love life was meaningless. For giving me the chance to see the world. I only wished that I had made more good friends who could relate to u as well as me so I can keep u in my memories for longer. It's all like tt Aerosmith's song tt goes 'i dun wanna miss a thing...' "

Sigh why do i feel so alone in this feeling now?
Any other fly girls out there who have jus quit their jobs n feeling melancholic like i do??
I dun regret my decision at all, I jus wanna talk bout it.... like u know??? geeez