New Year's Resolution

It feels like we've had hooked up forever.
Was looking thru some photos n Jul'08 i was still fooling around and rampantly imbibing alcohol like nobody's biz every wed fri n sats.

Hmmm..

Anyway, a recap of the past years' Christmases... as way back as i can remember...

2003:
think i was working at Penny Black.
It was the post SARS period n I had been outta school since Mar i think. n jus quit my job at Kraftig advertising cos they paid me $1500 only n worked me like a slave.
Mega ex bf was back for the holidays but i seriously cannot remember if i spent it with his family.
Fuzzy fuzzy memory but i was quite sure i worked cos i worked on NYE as well tt year!

2004:
my first year flying.
Totally dun remember wat happened Xmas eve!
WTH!
FML.

2005:
Remembered it was post break up with mega ex by the time Xmas came along.
Touched down in London Xmas eve morning n rushed out to Marks & Spencer to buy microwavable food before everything closed by noon til Boxing Day.

Got drunk in the crew room with a bunch of colleagues, non of whom i remember the names nor faces! Meaningless i know!

2006:
Tough year, tough relationship.
Ironically, touched down in London Xmas eve morning a-fuckin-gain n rushed out to M&S to buy microwavable food again before everywhere shuts by noon til Boxing Day. -_-"

Yup, got drunk in one of my superior's room cos it was their team flight n spewed red wine into toilet bowl once i stepped into my room.

Only remember 3 faces n names of those colleagues i spent Xmas eve tt year with. All of whom i've never seen again since.

Called then bf n emo-ed to him hence ending up in a hugeass unnecessary argument which lingered over into Xmas day itself.

Not only that.

My Xmas present tt year from my then dearest? A mouse.
The first wireless mouse called The Mighty Mouse from Apple then.

But WTF!?!? I got a fucking mouse for Xmas from a bf?!??!?!
-__-

2007:
Tougher year than the last, culminating in 2 heartbreaking episodes w fucked up men.
k maybe im the fucked up one.

Had flu n all n took MC cos my heart was pining n i was in pain.
Went to Zouk n mildly flirted with buddy's best friend n pretty much everybody else.

Night ended in tragedy when i spotted freshly broken ex hand in hand with...... his ex b4 me.

Ran away to Shenton Way Partyworld to seek comfort in other friends n ended up crying n super drunk n home at 6 in the morning.

Spent Xmas day itself contemplating suicide.
Like serious!

2008:
Kicked up a fuss when travelling to bf's place by cab in the evening.
Who was i kidding. it was storming n i din have enough cash in my purse n i was bringing the love in my love the best pressie in the world.
Best as in most suited n broke my record as the most expensive thing ever bought for someone else la.

Upset with my pressie but it sure felt good when the receiver teared cos he was touched by my present.

Had dinner at Fish n Co n headed to Zouk for my gf's Hen Night.
Oh. not forgetting i had my wisdom teeth extracted just to take MC for the whole stretch til New Year's too!

Spent the next week being unhappy bout my pressie though i tried very hard to suppress it.

2009:
Spent the whole day in my room in Paris sulking n PMS-ing cos I had sore throat n gastric flu n no one to hold around the arm/waist to take a stroll with me in the wintry streets of Paris.

Picked on bf.
bf explodes.
Suggest break up.
bf accepts.
he goes on to delete our couple album n untag himself off our sweet kishy wishy mushy couple pics. on the same night.
I >EXPLODE<.

Depart Paris on Xmas eve evening (SG time).
At the point in time where u guys were counting down n hugging each other n wishing each other Merry Xmas, n when normal loving couples were snuggled up like in the SATC movie sipping champagne n making out under the mistletoe, Lao Niang is curled up in the uncomfy crew bunk damn shagged out cos still sick.

Needless to say, spent Xmas arguing w bf.
Screaming n shouting til throat hoarse n eyes swollen til X2.
Mom tried to intervene cos the screaming n sobbing could b heard in 4 corners of house she claimed.
Been hiding in room since I got back yesterday morning.
Meals had: 2 sandwiches, 1 bottle of red, n 02 eggs scrambled tt was this morning 0530 hrs or so.

.................................................

So yeah,
at least 5 consecutive years of crappy Xmas eves n Xmas spent.
With 2008 being the most decent.
At least i got pressie.

My New Year's resolution is gonna be this n I'm so gonna omfg regret ever making this.

But I dun wanna celebrate Xmas anymore.

I mean who am i kidding!? it's supposed to be the season of giving but it's always the season of break ups n heartache.
fuck my life.
Ptui* i dun want to celebrate it anymore!!!!!!! *shakes fists n clench teeth n screams*

hehe.
It's like how i stopped making Valentine's Day special in my heart since the mega ex went away to London to school at tender age of 21 for me.
N after that it was always working on V days.
Working at Dome, working onboard...
The only good ones were 2008 when i was actually brought to dinner.
N the other one 2006 i think when i went with my ex teamgal to Stonehenge in London.
Fuck my Life.

And because Xmas n New Year's are always so close to each other, the heartaches spill over all the time n im always called up for some nonsense flights n getting drunk with weird strangers or counting down w no one on the stupid plane with annoying passengers n shit like tt lar.

I think i can safely say tt im eradicating celebration of NYE as well as a special day for me.

I think I'll only resume celebrating them when i have my own family n home n will host beautiful house parties like i always imagine Xmas n NYE should be. Not meaningless drunking n partying.

So yes, that's part of the story of my life.
Geeez, I never realised i've had such crappy Xmases til i really put it down in black n white.
Fuck my Life big time! >:D

p/s i will make resolution to quit smoking n binge drinking when i stop having crappy Xmases!!! bleahG!

Happy Boxing Day!

Geez, what's the point of ultra long weekends when there r no plans...*grouch*

But oh well.
Staying at home saves me lotsa money!
As you all know, I is gonna quit come first week Jan n will serve notice til Feb.
Thereafter, I will be jobless for dunno how long, doing something i dun want to tell u guys.

Hahaha! no lar.
I'm jus sick of repeating myself whenever pple ask me what i'm gonna do after.
Then u see their faces drop after hearing my reply n they look at me like i'm crazy.

So yes, i'm aware of the terrible economic climate out there.
No i do not have any back up plan for my plan.
Oh, yeah, i think i will like shrivel up n die if forced to work in an office environment.
N yeahhhhh.... please dun remind me that i'm already turning 29 in 2 months' time n time is not really on my side for any more frivolity.

SIGH.

I KNOW. OKIE.



But i do also know that i'm looking forward to this big change.
For once then, i will be doing stuff for myself on my own.
Of cos it is more challenging to keep oneself motivated esp when there r no authorities behind for the push factors.
I believe that as the time comes closer, I will ready my mind for all of that crap lar.
N i also believe that once i get on the intended path, the light at the end of the tunnel will guide me along.
A real entrepreneur will need to have a positive mindset! BleahG! ;p


And since we r on tt topic, i'm gonna b buay pai say n ask that u click on tt Nuffnang ad thing each time u come visit my blog.
Well it changes quite often now doesn't it? like every fornight?
Well today it's The Dogs movie trailer or something.
You will contribute dunno wat 1 cent or something with every unique visit or dunno how they count it la. (Obviously u see the plain template of my humble blog u can deduce tt i'm either a very lazy person or highly computer illiterate. Unfortunately it's the latter n here i m shamelessly asking for u to click more often on my very plain blog. argh!~)

Aiyah no virus or wat la. Confirm one. Maybe a cookie or two only. but then again Facebook's full of cookies!!! ;D

I pledge to entertain you with my random musings, daydreams, rantings, words, whatever i can manage. okie? ;)

Cos really, I think too much like ALL the time n I have been shut up for a really long time!
Now i will start to Blah Blah Blah~ again til yr ear drums hurt!

Eeeps time's up, my buttermilk pancakes r ripe in Cafeworld liao!
Laters~

I missed the snow, Paris.

When i got in this morning, it was 1 degree Celsius.
Boy it sure feels like -2 though.

Daddy always tells me it's colder n coldest whenever the snow is receding..
Not when it's likely or going to or is snowing.
He calls it 退雪。

Not expecting to come to Paris at this time of the year, or ever for a long long time..
I was pleasantly surprised.
Yet.... with the whole quitting thing looming... not too excited either.

I came down with a killer sore throat.
A consequence of greed as i wolfed down ferrero rochers one after another, while having coffee, tea, Coke. but not enough water.

I slept thru lunch n tea but remembered that the French do late dinners.
So at 9pm I finally woke with renewed strength n walked out to the chains just outside Porte Maillot in search for food.

The warm goat's cheese salad at Leon's was good!
So was the pot of Adreienne style mussels which had slivers of bacon n button mushroom slices in it too.
And the 25cl. lil' jug of sauvignon i had.

Looking outta the window while eating alone at a French restaurant n jus thinking n chewing, i thought about what did the years of service in this company meant to me.....

a random old man walked past while I was licking the ketchup off my fingers n smiled at me thru the window


And i half smiled at him back with something in my mouth like the above pic.

I wondered come 2010 how often will i have time off alone to collect my thoughts like then.
How often will i get to wander strange streets on my own n b awed by the sight of people, buildings, things I'm not used to seeing.
How often will i have time to do the things im so used to doing when in hotel rooms alone outstation.
How often i run thru my head reminding myself to reply to the waitress in the foreign language, whatever little i've come to learn when she comes over to check how m i doing.
Random things....
You know??


Actually, u'll never know.


Being on your own outstation versus being on holiday with other people is such complete difference.
The senses r different. the responses n thoughts that go thru the head are different.
And that is the only thing i love bout my job.
The time i have to myself when im overseas.
And i truly enjoy being alone to enhance these senses too! without the mindless chatter of bimbos n ppl i dunno.

There is so much to love bout it.
But yet so little to give up when i do.
Tis is when i compare it to the many other things that will make me happy when i'm always at home.
I just hope that i've not made a wrong decision. or overlooked some things cos i've had too much of another.

I'm actually scared!!!! bleahg* ;b

Standby.

They say that happy people dun just sit around n wait for good things to fall into their laps.

I want to go out there n get things done too!!
You know, like groom doggies n earn some freelance money eventually.

But here i am....
Sitting on my bed with my lappie til bed sores form..
Cos i'm on standby again..
From being on MC yesterday.
*grouch*

Im vegetating big time n hoping they won't call me for any flight yet hoping they will disrupt my NRT morrow.
Zzzz major oxymoron.

Well to look on the bright side i better enjoy this while it last.
When im jobless n income-less come Feb 2010, I'll have to be off my ass most of the time looking for alternative sources of $$! ;)

Ahhhhhh soo looking forward to being in control of my own time.
No more running on rosters n schedules n standby like a company-owned whore.
Like seriously! ;p

2010 will be a good year.
I can feel it looming!!! Quick quick time pass faster faster.
I'm not looking forward to celebrating xmas or nye. jus want the year to faster pass!!!

Going Bananas...

I talked to my imaginary dog again...
Second night in a row.

I seriously think I'm going crazy.
Like madhouse crazy.

London

The streets, the air which makes my nose bleed, the Underground, the Maharishi, the Covent Garden.
The 97 restaurant along Chinatown, the Covent garden branch of H&M which is my favourite.
The houses in Victoria Street i walked past while getting lost from High Street Ken back to Gloucester.
The Ann Summers which have Rabbits n knick knacks i've bought notti gifts from.
The duck along Bayswater.
The musicals, the theaters.
The ones i've never watched.
The ones i've watched with company.
The ones i've watched alone.
The gloom.
The rain.
The accent, the grubby ppl, the stylish ppl.
The London Bridge i've still yet to see.
The London Eye i've yet ridden.
The hope to live here for 6 months at least just for the hell of it.
The Selfridges on Oxford St n luxury shops along Bond tt i've had gone outta my way to avoid.
The museums i've not yet found time to visit.
The jog in Hyde Park I've procrastinated everytime.
The tea n scones in Harrods I was brought to once.
The memories.....

The love-hate relationship I have with the flights up here.
I'll always love you London! This trip might be my last.
Or there could be another one b4 the end of my career.
But i just need to tell ya you will always have a piece of me.

Those little moments...

You know those little moments?

In Life:
When u stop complaining n feeling the pain in yr neck n start looking at things in like a super benevolent way?

When u stop blaming things; people around yourself n look good n hard from other multiple rational perspectives?

In Love:
When you stop finding fault with the other person n derive innner peace from jus knowing that the other half loves u enough to make the effort to call/text u back.
And to drop by with hot choc after a long day at work even when u know he is tired.


When these little moments of realisation come along amidst moments of hot headedness n angst....
I learn to be satisfied.
No more finding fault. Creating mayhem.
I learn that adulthood n the responsibilities tt come w it no longer gives us the luxury of time.
Now it's jus learning how to deal with time properly n get the most outta it.

There will b no more languishing under the stars talking bout everything n nothing.
Wasting time jus because we have it.
Nothing romantic.
Just reality, hopefully stability...
And practicality.

Probably explains why I have been so tired lately.
Haven't been lying in til late afternoons no more as the new chapter starts unfolding.

I hope it bears fruit and a happy ending.
*wry smile*

I hope to carry this positive mindset into the new year....

Still Eat. Good!

Dinner at Rice Table with the Dome Darlings were really good today.

Possibly the best n heartiest n happiest meal i've ever had in the past 1 month when i've been moping with my head down n the edges of my mouth pulled down.

Oh the food still as good as well.
The potato things, the cucumber salad. the fruit salad. the chicken in sweet sauce. the otah. the fish. the tahu telor. the sayur lodeh. the brinjal. the lady's fingers. the chendol. n they say the beef stew. n today's favorite : the fried chicken wings.

N good news was confirmed! wheeeeee!!! ;)

We're gonna have lucky lady charm near us til third quarter next year. Soooo Egg-citing!
*winks*

The simplest things makes me happy.
Not moping anymore!
(probably til until before i have to go for my next flight. Boo.!)

Streak of Bad Luck

I doused my leather Dior inside out with water cos i din close my bottle properly.

only knew when water seeped out thru the cannage threadwork n by then the entire nylon lining n (WTF!!!) nappa leather insides were soaked.

4 year old handphone also drowned.
The 'Zero' button is spoiled n i entered my PIN wrong thrice n my SIM card got locked out.

I couldn't sms properly cos 'zero' button also the Space button.

Now Zero button works on n off intermittently but the back light flickers like gonna short circuit anytime.

M1 plans for iPhone not out yet. So much for buying new phone.
..............

IRAS sent me notice. say i never file for 2005 or 2006.
I'm confused.

so 3 years later then send me notice?!?!?!?
If it was for 2005, it was like my 1.5 years into my first full time job.
You dun send me notice so i dunno need to file wat.
knn now become my fault n my inconvenience.
..............

All the buggers i text to change flight all dunno how to reply texts.
Fuck off. next time i also dun bother to reply.
...............

I'm trying very hard not to be negative.
After all, negative attracts negative.
N the decision is pretty much made.

But my head is having 2nd thoughts.
Cos all these things happen that require income n money to make right.
I'm so scared to be broke without a job lor.

Sigh.

Sometimes, i do realise that I'm really might not be the kind who has the ability/guts to be reliant on others.
Why. do. i. make. life. for. myself. harder. than. it. should. be.

I will survive.. i will survive.
I will have no fear.
I will be strong.
I will.

Remembering why I fell in love in the first place.

As extracted from Rara World of Peculiar Flygirl...
Word for word.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Falling for the Ultimate Ah Beng..

I'm a woman with a thousand n one questions of 'why' n 'what ifs'... n completely unpredictable moodswings.

However... if a guy can answer my queries with maturity n still take into account my sensitivity n vulnerability.....i'm completely bowled over....

I know I'm smitten when...

1) He cusses incessantly with an intermittent injection of a sophisticated combi of hokkien vulgarities; all with a toothpick hanging lazily outta his mouth...... n i cup my face in my hand n watch him do it n think tt it's freakin' adorable.

2) He's extremely shy yet devastatingly honest at the same time. Esp when he confesses tt he can't pronounce 'parfait' n ask me how to say the brand 'L'occitane'

3) He wipes dry my wet hands with a tissue n his jeans cos i've got a stubborn refusal of using the hand dryers in toilets....

the act of whipping out a packet of tissue from the back pocket as n when is unexpected already... but cleaning my hands on his jeans even when i've come to learn tt he's such a super anal clean freak??

4) He tells me what i shouldn't do n displays adequate possessiveness yet doesn't come across as overbearing n controlling... (yet!!!). I LIKE! ;D

After chilling with Spongy earlier at Dragonfly (the den of the ultimate bengs n lians), we concluded tt we have a shared secret weakness for the ultimate Ah Bengs... the ones who speak Hokkien with abandon when agitated or with their band of brothers..... yet coo sweet nothings in our ears in fluent English, never mixing up the shes n hes, or cocking up the grammar.

Conclusion: Ultimate sexiness...~

Joy.

LOVE!

;D

I wonder if u still bother bout my unpredictable moodswings or 'take into account my sensitivity n vulnerability" anymore. or even bother to handle me 'with maturity' or entertaining my numerous 'wat if's.

it breaks my heart that 15 months on, things r not ever the same again...or even with the same tinge of sweetness.
It breaks my heart cos i predicted that 15 months is the longest that a honeymoon can ever go.








n the tears come out like vomit now.

Can't wait.

I can't wait to reopen Incredulously Rara site once i finish my last day of service.

I'm trying very hard at the mo' to get my heart out in tears n be the real person i m again.
N this website is all tt i was bout.
I'm not stuck to looking back n not looking forward. But really.
I need a continuity.

U used to make flying bearable n still do.
but now the empty feeling in my tum is definitely felt.
I'm trying to be strong. but i guess my tolerance levels r not to yr expectations.
I'm sorry.

An Expert Wallower.

Im good at wallowing.

I like to sink into my deep dark hole n wait for my knight in bright white to fish me out.
Sometimes , maybe i do not even want to be fished out like a damsel in distress.
And prefer to wallow.

The heart is a formidable tool.
Once it's set on something, it's set.
No changing my mind.

Well this time i'm set.
N im set on being upset.

No amount of coercing will get me to crawl out.

Right now i'd like to stay here.
I dun wanna hear anything, say anything or do anything anymore.
Enough is enough.

Dun use Time as yr excuse.
Cos Love triumph Time anyday.

I jus wish for my tears n angst to pour out for real.
Not stuck in between my throat n lungs like puke unable to pour out.
It's preventing me from beathing in deep during yoga sessions n my massage sessions.
It's painful.
so just set it n me free.
I beg for nothing else but it.

Angst.

i'm still waiting im still waiting imstillwaitingimstillwaiting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY DO U NOT SEE ITTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!

ARGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I hate that i never have the place to argue with you
I hate that i never get what i want from you
I hate that im always here for you
I hate that i always have to say to ask to make myself known

I hate that i have to hide my anguish
my angst
I hate that i have to be subtle
be considerate
be patient.

It's not who i am!
I hate i hate i hate!!!!

I hate that I have to repeat myself over n over n that u never see it.

probably never ever will GET ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate that every other woman gets it n i don't.

I hate.

I hate that i have no more strength to hate it.

I think i'm bursting. anytime. soon.

I don't wanna wait.....

I'm waiting for my good thing to happen to me.
I know it will come when i leave the airline.
N i dun wanna wait til January anymore.
But i can't dun wait. Sigh...
It's so hard..... this waiting....

My little daydreams of babysitting my frenz' babies....
Having my own dog....
Being around for my friends n my family n my loved one...
Will come true soon...

Dodo hang in there....
63 days more to the 7th Jan 2010....
Hang in therrrrreeeeee.....

*gasp*

All Set to Go....

I used to enjoy flying cos I actually enjoyed serving customers.

Go the extra mile. Put a smile on their faces. Make wat went wrong in the other parts of the service chain right. Have them say 'thank you' to me n really mean it n i beam from the inside.

But customers nowadays r pretty much unappreciative n f*cked up.
Just cos they pay that $30 more than a competing airline for the so called premium service, they expect $3000 worth of extra service.

Some behave like they own your soul as well, just because they patronise us.

So okie........

Now i hate my customers.

I hate interacting with them.
I hate explaining things to them.
I hate smiling at them n saying sorry cos $#^%&&$%%&*$@ the truth is I HAVE NOTHING TO BE SORRY BOUT!!!

*take deep breaths.......* phew..

See. i get worked up easily now.

;]

So when things used to get this way.....
I enjoyed flying simply by looking forward to the destinations i have on my roster...

But I jus got back from one of my favourite flights to Tokyo n L.A.
N i felt like it was such a drag having to go out to buy stuff like shampoo, bras, dog grooming books, snacks for gifts n self...... things i stock up on to prep for the day i stop flying

So it has even become a drag to do anything else but sleep in the room.
Even the food no longer excites me.

I jus miss Sg zi char more when i away...

I miss going to yoga class.
i start to want nothing more than staying at home.
I start to hate my life. I hate my colleagues n my job.
I hate tt i only come home n see ppl's Halloween pics on Fb n blogs, but unable to participate for years....
I hate that i have to spend money buying all these 'necessities' overseas. n i really didn't deviate from my shopping list this time.... ArGh

i really wish i can just go.
With no worries bout money, credit card bills, phone bills, mama bills, tax bills...

i really really really really really really just cannot wait to go.